Response to Spam Callers

They've found us again and wiggled through our security system... ITS THE UNKNOWN NUMBER SPAMMERS!!!!!!!!!! The called twice in the last five minutes. If they call again I will be sorely tempted to answer and mess with them.

#1- Yes, I'd like a large original crust pizza with grilled chicken, red and green bell peppers, tomatoe, onion, and absolutely no mushrooms.
****I'm calling to speak to*
Look, I don't care who you called for, you got me, and I'm the one ordering here.
****We are not a pizzaria*
Well you should be and why on earth did you call then, don't you understand that I am really craving a pizza that looks somewhat healthy on top even if its destined to bring my demise?!!!
****I told you we don't make pizzas! Please give the phone to...*
(in a whisper/whine) Can you please make me a pizza anyways?
*CLICK*

#2- Hello, what is the nature of your call? If you are in a life or death situation please hang up and call 911. If you want to speak with the one who pays the phone bill please press one.
*1*
I'm sorry I didn't catch that. Please wait until all options are expressed before choosing a number so we can serve you as best as possible.
If you would like to speak to the one who pays the phone bill press one.
If you want to talk to Elvis Presley then you are out of luck. If you want to talk to a delusional woman who thinks she is Elvis Presley, Press 2.
If you would like to prance through the clouds like a little pony and live inside a house made of cheese on the moon, or already are doing so Press 3 and we will connect you to the Psych ward.
If you like long walks on the beach, have a kind heart, and frequently dance in the rain press 4 and we will connect you to your dream person.
If you are a heinous criminal then Press 5. We will connect you you to a criminal lawyer who will turn you into the police for his own nefarious purposes.
If you have a name starting with the letter Z or X press 6 immediately. You will get through immediately. We have been expecting you.
If you are getting tired of this hang up... I am too so I suppose it doesn't matter what you want anymore so I'm going to hang up...

#3- *Ring.... Ring*
Hello... can I talk to Robert Mueller please, he's there right. I think he's got the wrong email he keeps telling me I've won millions... Maybe you're the real winner....

#4- I will yell at them in German... and probably call them a donut.... then yell some random spanish words... a few faky french-ish words... and then say dingo dog. After that I'll just hang up.

#5- Is this Destiny?
*nooooo*
Wellll I'm sort of waiting for Destiny to come calling so I kind of need you to stop calling so I don't miss the call. It's kind of important.... Well cheers mate!

#6- All is revealed! Flee the city! (then the line goes dead)

#7- I'm sorry sir but I've grown up to abide by the idea that one should always choose the lesser of two weevils. Unfortunately for you your a pretty big weevil. But if you call back I'll let you know if I've found a bigger one!

And I'm done for now.....................................................................................................................
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